I started off my New Year thinking that my life was completely together. I had every dream and every gift that the Lord could possibly let me have. I was content. I was living with a smile glued to my cheeks. My new teeth (no more Invisalign amen amen) were the only thing people would see. But 2019 had a different story than I had planned and all of a sudden my world seemed to be crashing in. I began to grasp on to the little pieces of life I could cling to but as my tears filled my heart, God quietly slipped those unraveled pieces out of my hands and I grew angry. In fact, I yelled at my sweet Jesus. Within my first few weeks of 2019, I began to feel more and more worthless. I would meet friends for advice and honey words and it would numb my pain and give me hope, but the next day, I would be back to the beginning again–sitting within the scrapped up pieces of things I could not control.
It’s interesting how we feel like we have it all under control. It’s funny because instead of letting God weave each step into our lives, we tend to say “No it’s okay God. This is gonna be the life for me instead.” Because we want to have this job. This family. This house. These friends. Instead of letting God take control of my life, instead, I was taking matters into my own and it just so happened that it was now that God was saying “I know what I am doing.”
So after feeling broken–no wait– still feeling broken, I began to feel comforted by the only one who could understand me. I began to remember that I was created to praise my sweet Jesus through all seasons. There was a moment when I realized that when one is hit with the worst pain imaginable, there is always the growth. As the trees lose their leaves and their colorful beauty, we follow in their footsteps. But when that tree grows again and sunlight shines through, we also follow. See I had a moment where I realized that God was right there breathing hope and comfort into every broken and shattered piece of my soul. I had a moment where I began to feel God’s warmth wrap around me so I began to pray. I began to study the word again. I began to find little bits and pieces of hope just by praying for my own future.
I wish I could say that I am on top of the world–a flying kite. But I am still learning how to fill my bones with happiness again without thinking about my past. God is a crafty King and he may bring elements of my life back or bring me completely new ones but I am finding rest in Him.
And although my brokenness may look much different than yours, know these things:
- You are WORTHY and no one else can make you less.
- You have the power to change the world as you take brokenness and make it love
- It’s okay to be real about not being okay. It does not make you weak.
- God has the perfect plans ahead of you and when those things come, you will never look back.
- Find comfort in knowing that you have the most perfect King in love with you
- Know that all broken things come back stronger
I do not know the exact purpose of this post. In fact, this is just me taking a moment to be real about where I am, but I want you to know that the things the Lord is about to have me do are wonderful. And out of my ashes, you will find a new song. Perhaps you are struggling in your own way with your own things but never doubt how important those moments are. Do not be embarrassed for feeling them. Tears are welcome from time to time.
So be prepared 2019. For as I stumble my way through these next few months, learning how to regain that sunshine, I am going to grow.
A jumbled up gal,