PSA: This may be a long one. But it’s worth it 😉
I wrote a blog post almost a month ago at a point where I was grasping on to thin air. It was within that time, and quite honestly up until this week, that I felt like nothing. Since I had last posted, I have dealt with feelings of depression constantly. I would have to wake up every day and say to myself “You can do this. Find the joy” but in my head, I had the enemy constantly whispering “You will never be enough.You will never be seen as anything more” down my neck. I found myself feeling like I was truly okay when I was around other people, but when I was alone, silent tears would stream down my face as the rest of the house was sleeping. On the outside, my smile was an everpresent beam, but on the inside, I felt like FAKE was tattooed on my heart.
These feelings that started with something as simple as a break up began to spew into other events and I found myself getting in verbal fights with friends, having a constant pang of anxiety, feeling worthless, and slacking in school to the point of having to have conversations with teachers because they could tell that I was not okay. I was breaking.
I was told by someone that I needed to get over it and from that point, I became more depressed as I would get angry at myself for not being able to quote-on-quote, “get over it”. A heart is a very fragile thing and I am blessed that God made mine incredibly fragile, but being told that made me shut down even more. So I began to not tell my friends when I was sad. This alone truly brought me to a point where I had never been so depressed and so alone.
Every night I would clench my fists into pillows, squeezing my eyes through tears praying “God I don’t get it. I feel so worthless. I feel like I will never find love. I feel like I will never find true friendship. I feel like I will never find joy. I feel like I will never be looked at as ‘beautiful’. I feel like I am spinning out of control and I need you.”
Hi Mom and Dad. I know this probably breaks you to know that I was secretly feeling this way. Spoiler alert: it gets better if you keep reading 🙂
But this is where God comes in.
About once a week, maybe more, I would wake up in the morning and say “ God, help me find my worth.” I am incredibly dumb, as I have just recently been realizing that God was doing just that. Every time I would pray that prayer, I would receive a message from someone who I either hadn’t talked to in years or hadn’t talked to in my life, and each time they would say “I don’t know why but I feel the urge to message you and tell you that God has a plan and I am here for you.” Excuse me. Hold the phone. WHAT! From those texts, I can proudly say that I have several new friends that the Lord has placed in my life and wow. Is that not a blessing.
But even when I received those texts, I still was silently hurting.
This last week, I decided to take a break from social media and spend a few days praying. I thought it would take a while for God to respond, but something shifted automatically.
I was happy within a day.
It was as if God was pulling me out of the ashes saying “don’t think about those that hurt you. Pray for them instead.” I could feel light coming into my soul. I could feel worth coming back into my heart. I felt the desire to have more self-care, to work harder at the things I love, to connect with these new friends God gave me. It was as if a weight was lifting off of my chest and God was saying “Milana. Tell them the work I have planned for you to do. It’s time.”
So although that pain is a very real thing and will affect me from time to time, God is using me now. And this smile is now stuck on my face. If I have off days, it will give me even more reason to pray for my future. My hope is that you say “Wow. That Milana is completely different than she has ever been–and for good!”
It remains a complete mystery how God suddenly brought joy into my spirit, but I can officially say that my God is a God of surprises. So continue to lean into Him.
Thank you for praying for me, sending me messages of love, letters of peace, and surprises that have made me smile. I am forever in awe.
ADVICE: God’s plan is NOT your own!! Do not tell yourself ‘never’ or ‘my plan is above.’ But when the Lord tells you something, run with it.
Xoxo Milana 🙂