I Don’t Think I Wanna Be a Barbie

It was yesterday. I was in need of a graduation dress so I decided to rush to the mall by myself to pick one out an hour before they close. I’m not necessarily a girl who likes to shop for herself, simply because I don’t like the way that clothes look on me at times, but there I was. Eager to get a dress for me. I have stunning friends all around me but have never felt confident enough to consider myself anything close to that. This is almost scary for me to write because I have never been this vulnerable with anyone in my life besides my parents last night, which weirdly gave me the urge to share it with the world. I must be crazy! Anyways, I have dealt with self-confidence ever since I entered high school. It has stopped me from going to certain events due to the fear of being judged, it has stopped me from sometimes being my real self around people instead of a ray of constant sunshine, it has destroyed every ounce of myself.


It was yesterday. I was in need of a graduation dress. I only own two dresses and hardly ever wear them because girls around me pull them off more, however, I was determined. Going to and from each store and making my way through the halls swiftly started out as fun, but quickly turned for the worst. As I tried on each dress, I noticed each of my flaws. My hips were bigger than some girls so this dress is a no. My back looks hunched in this one so it’s a no as well. Dress after dress, no after no, these flaws became bigger and bigger in my mind until all I saw was the word “UGLY” written on my skin. I texted my mother, furious with myself. Telling her how much I hate my body type. This was soon followed by me sobbing into my mother’s arms that night as I described my every flaw to her. I told her how I didn’t feel pretty enough to be recognized by guys. I told her I didn’t look good enough to fit that perfect mold that all of my friends seemed to fit in. I couldn’t pull off half of the outfits my friends could.  


And as my mother and father began to pour life into me, I began to notice what God was saying to me all along. A text my father sent to me this morning sums it up completely, “In addition to the fact that God made you, because His plan is perfect, He made you perfectly! God’s creation is beautiful, which means that you are beautiful. It’s not our outward appearances that truly define our beauty. It’s our spirit, which is reflected by our attitude.”


(Okay but that’s like…really good isn’t it?)


So no, this blog is not to have feedback about myself, but to encourage you. Perhaps you are like me, and even the fear of never getting married surrounds your life. Perhaps you are like me and you are slowly but surely learning that your body was made how it was for a reason! Stop comparing yourself to the girl on your left. Stop comparing yourself to the guy on your right.  Let God’s truth about yourself become more and more revealed as you press into His love and faithfulness. I believe in a God who does not make mistakes. As I begin this new journey of learning more about what self-worth really is and as I start loving the person God has made me to be, I challenge you all to join me. We will never believe we can accomplish great things until we first believe in ourselves. Thanks for letting me be vulnerable.


XOXO Milana

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